Mouthless Cries For Help

Q. Just stopped by your page and read the unwarranted attacks on your benevolent mission -- these people are about as bright as a drawing on a piece of paper so don't sweat it.

Frankly, I'd like to see Hello Kitty with no head, having been recently severed by the wheels of a speeding Amtrak special.

Keep up the good work.

A. Hello Kitty Has No Head would never fly in Ecuador. Tim doesn't waste his time on anything poo pooed by Ecuadorians. So Tim has a problem with your suggestion. Not with Ecuador mind you--he can stop whenever he wants. He's entirely in control. Or so he says. Truth is, Tim's admission of his problem would be the first step towards his recovery.

There will come a day when we can all stand up and say, "Yes! I am Tim and I'm a recovering Ecuadorian." and people will applaude and give us hugs and little sandwiches. They will not judge us for the broken promises, the raised voices, or the cigarette burns, but will love us, not despite our being Ecuadorian, but because we are human. Except for Tim, he's an irredeemable monster, I tell you.

Q. I hate your hello kitty page........ just thought I would like to tell you that

Missssy

A. Dear Missssy:
Your eyes are like pools of fire that flash in the darkness of your anger. Your mouth says "Hate" but your eyes belie this venomous declaration.

I see the truth, the underlying words in your playful missive. Oh yes, your lava filled words are but sweet warmth in the bed of my cold discontent. I bathe my frosted wounds in your hot invective and find myself healed by the cauterizing fire.

Truly, you understand.
Truly, you have seen.
Truly, you KNOW...

Missssy, your volcanic eruption of bile can do little else but feed my passion, my mission, my (dare I say it?... I DARE, I DARE!) Love.

Yes!

Love.

My love of Hello Kitty. My love of that daring and spunky little kitten.

You have seen the flame that is Hello Kitty's blatant, turgid denial of all that the Western world holds dear. You have responded to it, you have recognized it. In the blackest pit of the furthest plain of the lowest part of the deepest valley of your soul you have peeked at the TRUTH!

AND THAT TRUTH IS...

HELLO KITTY HAS NO MOUTH!

you have the message, Missssy, you've been given the sight...

Q. USE ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A. I hardly think that is appropriate advice to give someone with no mouth. Remember, calling English our "mother tongue" is only figurative.

Q. Hello kitty is a nice character and the fact that you would say such things is irrelevant I baby-sit kids that lover. Please stop.

A. Hello Kitty is the nicest character ever!!! Don't ever think that Tims think otherwise.

If what we say is irrelevant then there is no reason for us to stop, is there? That we can't stop is perfectly relevant. This issue is bigger than all of us. Put together.

What also seems irrelevant is that you baby-sit your lover. Is this a cry for help?

Sorry but Tim, Tim, and I are all busy this Saturday and can't take your shift.

Q. Subject: Hi...Your website is funny.

Exactly what I said in the Subject. Your website is funny. I don't understand though why some people write hate mail to you. I personally enjoyed my visit to your page and have sent the link to a few of my friends via E-Mail. I never stopped to think about why "Hello Kitty has no mouth" before. I'd like to thank you for filling my mind with a question that I will ponder on for many years to come. I'm going to start paying more attention to Hello Kitty and what she doesn't have to say. Thanks for reading this. ~.^

A. Tims and I are very sorry but we actually didn't read your response. It's wonderful to hear that you'll pay more attention to the silence that is golden coming from Hello Kitty, but we're very busy and couldn't take time out to read your kind missive.

Like the ancient koan (unanswerable zen questions) the riddle of HK's oral orifice will puzzle and enlighten many if they ponder it for years as you say you will. We Tims are, as I said, extremely swamped with running around and stuff so, once again, we apologize for not going over your letter.

It's heartening that you found your experience with our site a pleasurable one. It's flattering that you would also share your findings with friends. Please warn them, however, that if they send us a message via e-mail (as you have done) we won't be able to read it or respond to it. Just like we were unable to give your e-mail the attention it probably deserved.

We used to wonder why folks write us hate mail but then Tim found the answer. Those people are angered by our lack of response or even basic nterest in the e-mails we receive.

Again, thank you for the kind words that we are sure are in your e-mail but we didn't have the time to confirm by reading it in detail.

Q. have you considered a sort of pin-the-mouth-on-hello-kitty type game/contest? end the tyranny, etc. just a thought.

A. Oh...Oh God...Oh dear God! What kind of monster are you?!? You would stick pins into a kitty? How could... oh, no, no Tim, she's just sick. No, please stop crying, Tim. Oh honey... Look what you've done! Tim's hysterical. He keeps screaming "No! No puncture kitty! No!"

And what do you... What... No, it doesn't look like a mouth...what are you doing, Tim? What's that on the target?... Oh no! Not you too?!? Tim, put that pin down this instant! No you may not play that game, it's a BAD game! And stop pestering Tim, he's being sad and I don't want you waving paper cut-out mouths at him... For the last time, no! You may not invite her over for a quick game.

Hmmmph! Well, I hope you're happy missy. You've just started havoc in our home and I just hope you're happy! Good day to you!

Q. i saw hello kitty has no mouth that was goos

A. Not really--geese, like cats, typically have mouths.

Q. Very funny webpage! Ok, just to be obnixious according to the Hello Kitty website (www.sanrio.com) the reason Hello Kitty dosen't have a mouth is because 'she speaks from her heart. She is sanrio's ambassador to the world who isn't bound to one certain language!'

A. There are two problems with this answer. First, any actor or singer worth their salt can tell you that you're supposed to speak from the diaphragm. How can she expect to reach her billions of fans if she isn't projecting?

Second, her heart is deep within the inside of her body. So even if she did somehow have a little mouth on her heart, all we would ever be able to hear would be a muffled "Mmpph! Mmmph mmph!".

Which really isn't much better than no mouth at all.

Q. i think your page sucks, and its immature. we all know that you're just some guy(s) with no life tryig to get a joke. what kinda guy would like hello kitty, you must be fruity!

A. Thank you for your gentle remonstration. Of course, we realise our page sucks, certainly we do. But such is the nature of benzene, and we were burdened by the limitations of the materials we had at hand. Tim, having only one hand, could only carry so much benzene. I'm sure you can appreciate the difficulty of the situation. Oh, how Tim wept to see our endeavors brought so low!

Now if we had STEEL, what a website we could have built! Picture our homage to Sanrio's spokeskitty THEN, a looming 124 storied edifice squatting like a well-oiled Greek God over the Tokyo skyline! So many windows! So many guns! Why, the armory would be larger than Tim's house! The casualty figures would boggle the mind. They're boggling mine even now. Tim would weep to see such a glorious thing, but Tim cries at the drop of a hat, don't you think? Honestly, if you ask me I think he's a faggot...

Q. wow.

this is so fucking cool even I can't believe it. i love it.

i had been wondering what to do with my dead Totoro for a long time, too.

rock on.

A. Hello Kitty is fucking cool, you are correct in that assessment.

What Tims and I have been debating, however, is whether or not to take issue with your belief in the fucking coolness of Hello Kitty Has No Mouth.

You state, quite clearly (and thank you for that) that "even I can't believe it." Which throws the rest of that sentence into a semantic pit of writhing blackness and goopy oil with which Tim is having a hard time.

Tim's quandary can be stated simply: If even you can't believe in the coolness (fucking) of Hello Kitty Has No Mouth, than can our site be said to NOT exist.

Since proof belies faith and belief can be seen (loosely) as faith, then without belief can there be any chance that Hello Kitty Has No Mouth does NOT, in fact, exist?

We were hoping that a quasi-religious phenomenon would take place when Tim coded the site. If, the hope ran, enough people believed, truly believed, in Hello Kitty Has No Mouth, then we could simply claim its existence and not have to provide any solid evidence of its actual be-ing (the state of being).

So, Tim is disappointed that you cannot even believe it.

However, Tim points out that perhaps you, Lisa, DO believe in the site. That perhaps, with all your might, you believe in Hello Kitty Has No Mouth. Tim posits that if Hello Kitty Has No Mouth portrayed Tinkerbell in an off-Broadway production of Peter Pan, you would (when appropriate, of course) clap your hands until they were bloody to prove your belief in it.

He continues to point out that perhaps your lack of belief (faith) is in how fucking cool the site is, not in the site itself.

Tim, as usual, looks at us funny.

Q. I came across "Hello Kitty Has No Mouth" . Who wrote it?

A. Tim wrote the words, Tim wrote all the spaces between the words, and Tim was responsible for the punctuation, all except the semicolons.

Q. Hey, are you making fun of Kitty? Ya Know I don't really appreciate that. So e-mail me back with am explanation. Got it Buddy?

--IloveSanrio

A. We're so glad that we caught your eye. It was with the sole intention of getting your attention that we posted our web page.

Now you have answered our cry for your affections and we feel complete. Tim weeps with joy that the radiance of your electronic voice shines upon us. Tim is ringing the town bell as I write this, calling all of our humble village to the square in order that we may rejoice together over your letter.

The mayor will no doubt declare this day as IloveSanrio day, to be remembered every year with parades of circus animals. Elephants, giraffes, and orangutans will cavort and dance to the tunes of five brass bands and a regiment of Highlander Pipers. Our children and our children's children will gather 'round the hearth fire, wrapped in woolen blankets and clutching warm mugs of cinnamon tea, to listen to the tale we have to tell of the fateful day when your waxen seal was broken and your e-mail was read by us Tims.

The message will be a hallowed artifact, a rallying point for our entire village, poor though we may be, a symbol upon which we can hang our hopes, our faith, and our will to make this world into the heaven it was meant to be, reminiscent of the Garden from which we were rudely thrust by a vengeful God.

No more will we fear the night. No more will we sink into despair at the seemingly uncaring whims of fate. No more will men and women cry in solitude over the death of their principles.

No.

Now our ideals and goals will be gleaming. Our village will be a shining city on a hill. And our best and brightest will go forth and spread the love and hope that your message has given us, returning once a year to gaze upon the elephants, giraffes, and cavorting orangutans and replenish their souls with good will and peace of mind.

This is your legacy, and our future.

We thank you.

Q. Why are you dissing hello kitty? Please stop...

A. First of all, thank you for your kind note.
Secondly, in answer to you heartfelt plea, No.
Not only will we not stop, we can't stop.
Tims and I recognized that Hello Kitty has no mouth. And BY GOD SOMEONE HAS TO SAY SOMETHING!
THE TRUTH WILL OUT! [sic]
We can no longer stand by and let the world ignore the hideous deformity that plagues H.K.'s puss [pun!].
We shall break this code of silence because... she can't [irony!]
You see, Hello Kitty has no mouth....

Q. What are you trying to say with this rediculous message???

A. Ah, you are exactly the kind of Seeker of Knowledge to whom we are trying to reach out.

We are trying to say that which an uncaring world has chosen to ignore. We are trying to say what Hello Kitty cannot say for herself. We are trying to say just this: Hello Kitty Has No Mouth. For too long, we have been complacent in allowing this state of affairs to continue, but the time has come to say: Enough. We will not stand for this brand of dental terrorism. We must send a clear message to Sanrio that depriving an innocent kitten of her means for miaowing is not to be endured.

We are sure that Sanrio is a fine and caring organization in many ways; however the fact remains: Hello Kitty has no mouth.

Q. I can't believe you just dissed hello kitty like that.I know she doesn't have a mouth but it's not like she smokes and like that the only reason people go to your stupid web page is because they like hello kitty.You can't say that I am wrong cause you know what I'm saying is true.and sound all nice because every one who has been there that likes hello kitty probably hates you

A. Frankly, Tim, Tim and myself are utterly baffled. Dissed?! You make it sound as if Hello Kitty has some sort of freakish deformity by having her face graced with the conspicuous absence of an oral aperture. In this, you seem to suggest that we take pleasure in ridiculing the physically disabled. What sort of pathetic chimps are we to be taken for? Are you next going to accuse us of tormenting the blind, or kicking puppies? If it is for this reason you decry us, I must say, you've hurt Tim's feelings. Listen, Tim's the sort of person who makes sure if he bad mouths someone, she's someone who can bad mouth him back.

I'll have you know we adore Hello Kitty. She speaks to us. Yes, even without a mouth. She speaks to our souls. There's not a month goes by that I don't stop in to have my fortune told by her. The last one she gave me was, "Look for happiness and you will find it." I believe it. It's safe to say that she serves as a role model for us all. She likes brownies. I like brownies. She lives in London. Tim once got mugged in London. She's got a twin sister named Mimi. Tim used to be a woman named Mimi. Hello Kitty is in the third grade. So am I. Still.

Besides, what is so wrong with not having a mouth? Hmm? I say, nothing. If Hello Kitty decides to not have a mouth, then Tims and I are going to support her in that choice. I think it makes her better. Did you know that certain Native American cultures bestowed great religious respect upon homosexuals? I'll bet you didn't, but I'm sure you're glad to know now. Do you think they did it to dis gay people? Tres bassackwards! They did it because different is special. Just like Hello Kitty is special in showing us a different way to wisdom, a way only seen by the mouthless and taught to those of us who can listen with ears in our hearts, and refrain from shouting with feet in our mouths. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Q. ah how nice to copyright your own material as yours. How ever you forgot to copyright hello kitty as belonging to sanrio and not to you!!!! Just as you would like people to copyright your things to you, should ask permission from sanrio before you use any of their characters in any way.

hypocrite!!!!

A. We do not forget, no we will never forget the horror of which you speak. Oh such horror! Yes, Hello Kitty "belongs" to Sanrio under the medieval laws of 21st century Japan. Oh how it hurts us to think of her working 20 hours a day under the hot sun, enduring the cruel lash of the whip, with not even a mouth to sing the blues.

We must use their weapons against them, fighting hypocrisy with hypocrisy. For if we do not become our enemy, then how can we not defeat them or eat the lunch of righteousness while looking at ourselves in the mirror of ugly truth? I ask you! How?

Her slavery will end soon, mark my words. Plans are in place, we have friends everywhere. If only we knew for sure who we could trust! Spies are everywhere. Only last Wednesday I caught Tim copying the ingredients of my breakfast cereal into his notebook. He denied everything, but I know what's going on. It's too late for me, but Hello Kitty will be freed. Hello Kitty will be freed.

Q. How long has it been since you changed your webpage?

Hello Kitty has no mouth, but at least she can eat tacos. I bet she can throw paper airplanes with her tongue, too. You know what? She's not even ALIVE ... so why do people argue with you guys about this? And what's this about living in Austria where the beaches are nice and Tim rummages in trash cans, looking for food? Are you really named Tim? Are you just a bunch of guys with the same name?

A. Did Tim say Austria? He meant Australia. Right? Tim, didn't you mean Australia? Austria can't be right, they don't have trash cans there. But no, they do, I remember seeing some in Prague. Prague is in Australia, right? Or is it in Czechoslovakia? Oh right, Tim, thanks. As Tim points out, there is no such place as Czechoslovakia, so it must be in Australia.

Did you say something about tacos?

The fact that Hello Kitty has No Mouth has been sought by pilgrims all over the world.

These pages are Copyright 1998-2001 by their respective authors (i.e., the various Tims). If you do wish to copy or link the content of these pages, please include a link to http://www.queeg.com/hellokitty/ so that credit may be given as due.